(Grover Norquist, president of Americans for Tax Reform. He has been described as “the driving force in pushing the Republican party toward an ever-more rigid position of opposing any tax increase, of any kind, at any time. Photo Gage Skidmore.)

I imagine there are people who are just enjoying a delightful summer. Certainly the respite from the humidity and the magnificent cool waters of the Big Pink pool make the surreal antics on the Hill pale. That, and the death rattles of this fiscal year are causing some small requests for proposals (RFPs) to issue from our Government customer.

Hence the bile that went along with mashing the button on the story yesterday morning, since I knew I had to go to the office and knock out a proposal for some work in Sub-Saharan Africa. Hell of a way to spend a July Sunday, though I know I am lucky to have a job.

I knew it was going to spoil the coffee in Ann Arbor, and irritate the hell out of my Attorney in San Diego, and generally piss off parts of Colonial Williamsburg. But dammit, these clowns who cannot govern need to be held to account- a pox on both their houses.

I was not disappointed. My pal in Williamsburg- he has an “H” to his John Hancock, but is diametrically opposed to John-with-one at Willow. He used to be Commanding Officer of the schoolhouse, and is a man of subtle and expansive intellect. He actually called me up as I was preparing to head for the office, where I knew the HVAC was secured to conserve energy on the Lord’s day.

“Hello?” I said cleverly.

“Well…” started my pal. “We were at the same ceremony Friday- at least we have that in common.  On the economy, we have no common ground at all.  Are you on distro for the Grover Norquist tax talking points?”

“You know, I heard him on the Dianne Rhem show last week, but no. I don’t read him. Dianne seemed incensed at his quote that government ought to be starved enough that it fits in a bathtub so you can drown it.”

“Well, that’s what you sound like. I would like you to outline for your readers the rationale for your use of the term “spendthrift” in regards to the President’s program.”

“I am not sure the President has a program except making speeches about fairness. What would you call Quantitative Easing II and calls for a third installment on top of TARP?”

“Listen,” he said, warming to his topic. “When the President was handed the keys to the economy, here is what Bush would have had to say to do the turnover:

“We are going to spend nearly 3.5 trillion in your first budget, the one you have no control over. The breakdown goes like this:

(1). Entitlements and the social safety net are going to be $2 trillion.  But, since I screwed up the economy so much, you are going to have to add some continuations of unemployment insurance.  Oh, and since your timing is so good, you get to add baby boomers to the roles at the rate of one every 8 seconds.  I also thought it would be fun to throw in an unfunded Medicare Part D for you to tackle.  Enjoy!

(2). $800 billion goes to National Security.  That’s not full funding for all the wars I started but what the heck!  I also built up the bureaucracy as my gift that keeps on giving.  You’re welcome to try to cut it, but that’s not going to help your job numbers.  Good luck!

(3). $200 billion or so will go to pay interest on the national debt.  Don’t tell anyone Barak, but most of the debt ($9.2 trillion) was created by me, my Dad, and Reagan.  We kind of bought in to the “laugher curve.” Sorry it didn’t work out!  Guess it was “voodoo economics,” but what the heck.  As my VP taught me, “deficits don’t matter.” They sure don’t matter to me because I’m out of here.

(4). The non-defense, “discretionary” part of your obligations is on the order of $450 billion or so.  This will be your sweet spot because these folks don’t add any value.  We all know the EPA is a waste of money (don’t worry about those people dying from MTR and fracking), the FDA sucks (until you get an e coli outbreak, but what are the odds?), and the rest of the gang just regulates the hell out of the job creators.  You know, the Coast Guard, the Treasury, and the rest of those lazy bastards. Hey!  Eliminate all of them and you will have eliminated a huge 1/3 of your deficit problem.  Sounds like a plan to me.

Good luck, Barak.  I have to go write a book on how great I was.”

“Do you mistake me for a Republican?” I asked. “Great summary. The bastards that mugged me for a hundred grand were all in the GOP.”

“Well, that is another discussion. Two points – it’s ALL about cost avoidance – no matter whose plan (or non-plan) you are looking at. Secondly, re: taxes, in 2006, Warren Buffet distributed a questionnaire to his staff and learned that they all pay a higher percentage of their income to the IRS than he does- I think he pays 14.5 percent. He was astounded, as was the conservative economist Ben Stein, whose article was entitled, as I best as I can recall “Class wars indeed – guess who’s winning?”

“Well, it sure as shit ain’t me,” I said grimly. “And all the chowderheads who claim to be running this thing are taking it to the bank. Wall Street pays their salaries as capital gains, not ordinary income. I would kill for a 14% tax rate. It is all about the tax code and being wealthy enough to take advantage of it. What was wrong with a flat tax?”

“Final fact,” said John. “Republicans have had control of the Presidency and both houses of Congress for a total of 60 years and have delivered exactly ZERO balanced budgets. Economics is complicated.  There are business cycles, bubbles, regulations, etc.  But 0 for 60?  I call that a clue. Better to “tax and spend,” than just “SPEND.”

I looked at the phone and sighed. “The current Administration hasn’t produced a budget in two years. That incompetence does not make me Grover Norquist. I say we are 0-for-2 on political responsible political parties.”

“I left out one data point,” said John.  “Annual Federal revenues are $2 trillion.  All subsequent discussions of deficits stem from that. It is a simple equation.”

“Taxes are going up anyway in FY-13, and I am not arguing that there should not be a modest increase in the marginal rate. But I think I am paying my share, and the demagogues have got to shut up and do what is right.”

“That is a progressive viewpoint for a Neanderthal,” said John.

“Who would have thought that Simpson-Bowles would wind up sounding like something we could all agree on,” I said. “And have a great day. They say the heat is coming back.”

“That is so true on so many levels,” said John. Then he hung up.

Copyright 2011 Vic Socotra
www.vicsocotra.com