I got a very thoughtful response to my brief appreciation of Bum Wine yesterday, after I got back from Willow. My vast array of correspondents demonstrate a variety of interests and passions that is humbling. I spent much of Black Friday not rioting down at the WalMart, but chasing rabbits of thought down into the warren of American life.
So long as we were on the topic of wine, I provide a picture from an organized aficionado:
(An organized collection. Photo Corliss Archives.)
You will note that each bottle is tagged with instructions on how and when they are at their peak. I could see that reds are of particular interest, and some of the instructions remind the Cellar-keeper to wait until 2022/2024 before opening, or shortly before the Health.Gov website is up and running.
I counted- this wine cabinet holds 110 bottles, and they’re all filled. There followed in a very thoughtful and evocative note with a detailed description of great wineries in the region around Refuge Farm.
I will follow directions and expand that guide for travel and entertainment for the Spring, when the temperatures and roads are more salubrious.
But the key is that there is passion here, and it is something worth a follow up. Specific destination vineyards my pal recommends include:
Barboursville Vineyard (a Tuscan-style vineyard/winery) and their Palladio’s Restaurant.
Pollack and King Family Vineyards
Blenheim Vineyards (owned by local rocker Dave Matthews)
And of course, my default winery is the one right up the road, The
Old House Vineyard, which does some exceptional whites and reds, and today is serving up Honey Baked Ham and Bean soup with fresh baguettes of bread to fend off the early winter chill.
I have made a resolution to visit all of these places and write them up. But not today, unless I go for soup and a glass of white at Old House.
Recognizing that some people have passion for the finer things in life, I thought I might finish off some vintages on the other end of the spectrum. Now, purists might hold that my list of Top Five Bum wines is not exclusive. Where, they might ask, is the famed Ripple? Or the vile Boone’s Farm?
Sorry. The list is as arbitrary as it is capricious. Without further ado, we will account for the rest of the worst of the wines of the street, none of which are worth providing the URL.
Night Train
Don’t let the 0.5% less alcohol by volume fool you, the Night Train is all business when it pulls into the station. All aboard to nowhere – woo wooo! The night train runs only one route: sober to stupid with no round-trip tickets available, and a strong likelihood of a train wreck along the way. This train-yard favorite is vinted and bottled by the legendary Gallo Brothers in Modesto, CA.
Don’t bother looking on their web page, because they dare not mention it there. As a clever disguise, the label says that it is made by “Night Train Limited.” Some suspect that Night Train is really just Thunderbird with some Kool-Aid-like substance added to try to mask the Clorox flavor.
Some of the researchers at BumWine.com indicated that it gave them a NyQuil-like drowsiness, and perhaps this is why they put “night” in the name. Guaranteed to tickle your innards.
Thunderbird
17.5% alc. by vol.
As pictured to the left, look for the pigeon feces and you’ll find this old bird. As soon as you taste this swill, it will be obvious that its makers cut every corner possible in its production to make it cheap. Self-proclaimed as “The American Classic,” Thuderbird is vinted and bottled by Earnest and Julio Gallo, in in Modesto, CA. Disguised like Night Train, the label says that it is made by “Thunderbird, Ltd.” If your taste buds are shot, and you need to get trashed with a quickness, then “T-bird” is the drink for you. Or, if you like to smell your hand after pumping gas, look no further than Thunderbird.
As you drink on, the bird soars higher while you sink lower. The undisputed leader of the five in foulness of flavor, we highly discourage drinking this ghastly mixture of unknown chemicals unless you really are a bum. Available in 750 mL and a devastating 50 oz jug.
The history of Thunderbird is as interesting as the drunken effects the one experiences from the wine. When Prohibition ended, Ernest Gallo and his brothers Julio and Joe wanted to corner the young wine market. Earnest wanted the company to become “the Campbell Soup company of the wine industry” so he started selling Thunderbird in the ghettos around the country. Their radio adds featured a song that sang, “What’s the word? / Thunderbird / How’s it sold? / Good and cold / What’s the jive? / Bird’s alive / What’s the price? / Thirty twice.”
WARNING: This light yellow liquid turns your lips and mouth black! A mysterious chemical reaction similar to disappearing-reappearing ink makes you look like you’ve been chewing on hearty clumps of charcoal.
Wild Irish Rose
18% alc. by vol.
The thorn in your hangover is a wild rose from Ireland. Bottled by the same company as lowest-ranked Cisco, “Wild I” definitely has some secret additives that go straight to the cranium. Another web page claims that this foul beverage is a conspiracy by the Republicans to kill the homeless. Bums ask a liquor store clerk for Wild Irish rose by saying, “gimme a pint of rosie with a skirt,” a skirt being a paper bag. Some don’t want it cold either. It’s called “wild” for a good reason, and bystanders should beware. Wild Irish Rose is sure to light a fire of drunken rage in your soul.
The “White Label” variety of this beverage is definitely a hard wine to come to terms with. “White Label” smells like rubbing alcohol, and has no added flavoring to mask its pungent taste and noxious odors. Available in 375 mL, 750 mL, and a 50 oz jug.
MD 20/20
18% or 13% alc. by vol.
As majestic as the cascading waters of a drainpipe, MD 20/20 is bottled by the 20/20 wine company in Westfield, New York. This is a good place to start for the street wine rookie, but beware; this dog has a bite to back up its bark. MD Stands for Mogen David, and is affectionately called “Mad Dog 20/20”. You’ll find this beverage as often in a bum’s nest as in the rock quarry where the high school kids sneak off to drink. This beverage is likely the most consumed by non-bums, but that doesn’t stop any bums from drinking it! Our research indicates that MD 20/20 is the best of the bum wines at making you feel warm inside. Some test subjects report a slight numbing agent in MD 20/20, similar to the banana paste that the dentist puts in your mouth before injecting it with novocain. Anyone that can afford a dentist should steer clear of this disaster. Available in various nauseating tropical flavors that coat your whole system like bathtub scum, but only the full “Red Grape Wine” flavor packs the 18% wallop.
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The Daily Socotra wishes to extend its great thanks to the research labs and chemists at BumWine.com. I bought a shirt. It really was the least I could do.
Where to buy:
Stop N Go
1600 Mechanicsville Pike
Richmond, VA 23223
(615) 256-6000
Copyright 2013 Vic Socotra
www.vicsocotra.com
Twitter: @jayare303