Secret Mission

 

I want to thank those who actually noticed that The Daily Socotra took a brief hiatus.

 

It was actually nothing of the sort, and our team swept out of the home offices in Arlington to go undercover to evaluate public policy and support the Administration as we drive into a summer that will likely feature spiking oil and gas prices at the pump, and will accordingly become a massive elephant in any political discussion, like we are going to have anything that isn’t a political discussion.

 

While the mission must remain confidential for the foreseeable future, I am permitted to reveal some of the key judgments from the draft report:

 

1. Heinz Ketchup actually comes in a version without high-calorie fructose derived from corn. It tastes great. There may be hope for the future.

2. There has been an outbreak of extra virgin olive oil & balsamic vinegar tasting bars across the country. If you were not confused before, the myriad of flavorings available may change the way we all look at salads, and cooking overall for that matter.

 

That is what we can reveal at this time about the contents of the final report. But, I think we can be permitted to acknowledge some things about our sponsor. Energy Secretary Steve Chu is a fervent believer in Green Technology, and views fossil fuel emissions as a critical component in Global Warming, or Climate Change, or whatever the heck is going on, if there is actually anything going on.

 

No one seems to be paying the sort of attention to the issue that it deserves- or doesn’t- but I admire Dr. Chu a great deal, and he cares.

 

Steve is the only Nobel Laureate with whom I have recently shot the shit, with, so to speak, and he really is a great guy. I last saw him in his office at Lawrence Berkeley Labs on the hill overlooking the campus of UC-Berkeley, and even then he was insistent that finding ways to reduce our carbon footprint were the key to the survival of the planet.

 

Steve’s street creds in science are impeccable. He won a share of the Nobel for Physics in his landmark work on cooling and trapping atoms with laser light in 1997, and went on to direct Lawrence Berkeley and concentrate on the study of biological systems at the single molecule level.

 

I think you could argue that it is entirely possible that even a guy as smart as Steve might not be able to see the whole picture for the molecules- the forest-for-the-trees thing- but let’s cut to the implications of his belief system, which is quite sound. We should be more efficient in our use of energy, and he has brought a new focus to a Department that has never had a good idea of whether its mission was about nuclear weapons or the strategic petroleum reserve.

 

I am in favor of both, by the way, so long as they are ours, and generally opposed to those that are not. In Steve’s view, his mission is about lessening our dependence on foreign oil. Actually, more than that. Dependence on any sort of oil.

 

There is a problem, though. People are set in their ways. They must be forced to change in order to accomplish greater good.

 

That greater good is coming to us this summer in the form of $4 to $5 dollar a gallon gas, and that is without Iran and Israel slipping the noose and moving from covert action against one another and into a real shoot-em-up in the Strait for Hormuz that will cause the sort of spike in prices that will really get our attention.

 

In order to support Steve, the staff of the Daily set out to evaluate how we might survive in a world of vastly increased prices at the pump. Secretary Chu is a practical man, and back in September of 2008, he told the Wall Street Journal that: “Somehow we have to figure out how to boost the price of gasoline to the levels in Europe.”

 

That is sort of breathtaking, and hence the subject of my recent secret mission. I worked with my friends at the Hertz Rental Car Company, who have kindly permitted me to evaluate a series of vehicles under actual road conditions in all sorts of weather.

 

Those included Caddies and Chryslers, convertibles and cross-overs, luxury and less SUVs and even the odd rental truck. We have not, to date, investigated the most fuel efficient vehicles. That is perfectly understandable, since the electric car companies appear to be going out of business as fast as Solyndra, and the Chevy Volts are only now on the verge of having enough charge to get home from the dealership and bursting into flames down in the garage.

 

The Socotra staff is eminently practical. We chose to test a car that seems to work. We took the keys to our test Fiat 500 with a great deal of excitement. The mission was to conduct urban and freeway tests to determine if we can actually live with a vehicle that is highly fuel-efficient. Key judgments follow.

 

This car is as cute as a motorized roller skate, and just as efficient.

 

We walked around the vehicle to check for pre-existing dings and dents. Our test model came with 7,500 miles on the strange circular cluster on the dashboard. The front end, where the stone ships were evident on the rich dark paint scheme combined the family feeling of the most recent Fiat models, with distinctive elements quoting the original 500.

 

I appreciated the round upper headlights above and main beam lights below, as well as the familiar whiskers and logo. I like the connection with tradition.

 

On the side, the mid-line slopes slightly at the front giving the car an impression of sturdiness, while the hind-end featured a distinctive chrome lift-gate handle similar in shape to that of a bicycle saddle. A nod to the ultimate human-driven vehicle is comforting.

 

Our test model featured alloy wheels for a sporty look.

 

On the inside, the 500 offered a welcoming, protective environment for both the driver and passengers. This is largely due to the large ring bordering the entire inner space, characteristic Italian attention to detail, quality materials, and instruments that even an Italian Cruise Line Skipper could interpret.

 

The keys were the first thing I noticed. The blade of the key pops out of the key-fob like a swtich-blade. One of the two keys was broken, and opened at random in my pocket.

 

They claim the 500 can accommodate four people. I guess that is true. They would just have to be four very small people.

 

But it is a cool looking car, and if you screw up and energetically drag the shifter down to “engage,” you will find yourself endlessly shifting up and down through more gerars than Carter had pills. Six were what I counted at one point, and it was fun all the way to 60-mph, or so, which you would probably not get to between Big Pink and the Office, unless you actually lived in a place connected by an interstate to where you work.

 

Easy to park. My God, is that cool! You can put the thing about anywhere! It handles just as easy as a roller-skate, too. Extremely fun in the urban environment.

 

The problem is the law of gross tonnage, of course. I strongly recommend driving with the lights on and pennants flying, since if an F-150 misses site of you under its massive hood, you would be converted to a stain on the road almost instantaneously.

 

Over 60-mph, the 500 took me back to my days flogging a VW Beetle. It was entirely possible to get the car up over highway speed. In those days, the Michigan Patrol gave you fifteen miles an hour over the basic interstate speed before they pulled you over, and the 500 shares that strange disassociated feeling with the ancient Bug: at the edge of the envelope, you feel…well, at the ragged edge of the envelope.

 

I managed to drive the 500 over hill and dale, in the city, and with a dash across country.

 

I have to say I had a ball in the car, and was delighted to find that after more than 250 miles, I tanked up (at $3.45 a gallon) at less than a double-sawbuck.

 

I handed the keys back, serene in the knowledge that there are some real alternatives to the massive gas guzzling behemoths like my P-71 Crown Vic Bluesmobile.

 

If we actually get to $8 per gallon as Steve would like, I might actually drive one. I have to say, I do prefer the comfort of knowing that at 85-miles an hour in the Police Cruiser, I still have another 50mph of excess capacity, just in case. Plus, it is paid for.

 

That might be in the final report. We will have to see what Steve says.

Copyright 2012 Vic Socotra
www.vicsocotra.com