A USAF Predator with the excellent Lockheed-Martin AGM-114N Missile, intellectual property of LM. Photo USAF.
The Boffin from the legal department was standing at my desk when I wandered in. The sky outside had not been able to make up its mind about raining, a light spritz coming down, and a hint of coolness behind it in the desultory breeze made me think I should start wearing a jacket.
“You need to be in early when there are things going on,” he said. “There have been complaints.”
“What?” I said cleverly. “The Daily? More conspiracy crap? Someone accuse me of liable about LBJ?”
“No, I think we have managed to stall the Grand Jury. This is about the AGM-45. Lockheed is pissed. They left seven messages on the machine.”
“Crap. They have more lawyers than Carter has Pills.”
“What are you talking about, Vic? Who is Carter?”
“Never mind. You are too young. What is the problem with the Air to Ground Missile? It worked well enough on that asshole al- Alwaki and his scumbag buddy Samir Khan.”
“That is part of the problem,” said the Boffin with a sigh. “Wrong weapon, and that is what has Lockheed upset. The AGM-45 is the Shrike anti-radiation missile from the Vietnam era. The one on the General Atomic Unmanned Combat Vehicle is the AGM-114N, the Hellfire II.”
“Oh, crap,” I said. “Who is the idiot who was supposed to be doing the proofing on that story?”
“You laid her off in the consolidation of the Fact-Checking Department and the Wild Assertions unit. Remember? You said you could outsource all that truth nonsense to Wikipedia.“
“Double crap. Are we going to be legally liable? Does the malpractice policy cover us?”
“USAA cancelled on us after you started attacking LBJ last year. They think you are a loose cannon, Vic. They are afraid you are going to start something else you can’t finish.”
“What, like Climate Change? Of course it is.”
“Is what?” said the Boffin, adjusting his company bow tie nervously.
“Changing, you twit. Now what do we have to do to get Lockheed to calm down?”
“Everyone is nervous about what is going to happen in the defense industry, and the AGM-114N is a growth sector for Lockheed, Vic. You have to tread lightly.
“Drone strikes are a great story,” I said. “Everyone feels good about it. That Awlaki dude inspired dozens of attacks on American citizens. Major Hassan killed more than a dozen people at Ft. Hood, and he had been corresponding with Awlaki. And I have even more contempt for that Khan idiot. The first issue of his Inspire magazine called for automatic weapons attacks on Washington restaurants and pickup truck assaults on pedestrians. That is personal. Taking him out amounts to self-defense.”
“That leads to the other problem. We have been contacted by the ACLU about your support for the Obama Doctrine.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know, the notion that the President can make a finding that American citizens far from any battlefield can be executed by their own government without judicial process, and on the basis of standards and evidence that are kept secret not just from the public, but from the courts.”
“Crap.” I said, slamming my iPad down on the conference table in front of the desk. “US Persons” or not under law, these particular dickweeds were enemy combatants. We get confused in the conflict between Title 50 and Title 10 Authorities, not to mention Title 18, law enforcement’s authority “to maintain law and public order related to matters affecting the country as a whole.” I was getting wound up, and it wasn’t the Dazbog Russian coffee I had been drinking since before dawn.
“If getting rid of al-Awlaki isn’t in the interest of public order, I don’t know what its.”
“The ACLU is just telling you that this is a troubling bit of authority to invest in the Executive Branch, and you had better be sure you want to do it.”
“Listen,” I said. “Our adversaries have no problems in committing acts conforming to the Obama Doctrine on British or US soil- I am thinking of the former KGB light colonel in the former and the umbrella-tipped poisoning administered in New York in the 80s in the latter.’
The Boffin sighed. “See, there you go again. There is no evidence of Russian assassinations on American soil. The Litvinenko and Markov murders both happened in London. They also did wet work in Germany, killing a Ukrainian national named Bandera and poisoning a KGB defector named Khohlov.”
“Well, it amounts to the same thing, whether it is Britain or here. What about Oswald?”
“You can’t have it both ways, Vic. It is either one set of bad guys or another, unless the Warren Commission was right.”
“Crap.”
“Crap is right, Vic. You are going to have to clean things up. There have been complaints about the typos and the missed threads. Get hold of yourself.”
“All right,” I said. “I promise to do better. But first things first. What do we have to do to make LockMart happy?”
“Just print a correction. I have a draft here for your approval.” The Boffin handed it over, and I glanced through it.
“Socotra House Publishing wishes to thank the good people at Lockheed-Martin, who produce the combat-proven HELLFIRE II missile system, capable of being launched from multiple air, sea, and ground platforms. Offering multi–mission, multi-target capability and precision–strike lethality, the HELLFIRE II missile is the primary 100-pound class air–to–ground precision weapon for the armed forces of the United States and many other nations, including whoever lost that Predator drone over the tribal areas of Pakistan last week. We at Socotra House acknowledge the superb work performed by Lockheed-Martin over decades, and that they never forget who they are working for.”
I dropped the paper on the conference table. “Fine. Now we are shills for the Aerospace Giants. What else have you got?”
“That threat from the ACLU,” said the Boffin. “They say they may bring a suit enjoining with you with AG Eric Holder, et al.”
“On what grounds?” I said indignantly.
“That you publicly espouse an unconstitutional opinion supporting the murder of American citizens by Executive fiat.”
“Wait a minute. The President can pick the US Code he wants to use- Title 10 authorities for acts of war, Title 50 Intelligence authorities for the CIA, and Title 18 if he wants to go via Justice and Title 18.”
“That is a matter for litigation. And frankly you don’t have the resources. I am the last lawyer you have.”
“Crap. I guess we will have to soft-pedal this thing.”
“It is our legal opinion that it is a problem legally, but not logically. The Underwear Bomber and Major Hassan were weapons deployed by al Alawki- and the AGM-114N was the only logical response. But remember the corollary: what are your views about the FSB or the Chinese Service employing the Obama Doctrine here?”
I shot a look out the window as I caught the glint of light in the clearing sky reflected off a jet headed toward Reagan National or the Pentagon.
“Could be coming soon to a theater near here,” I said. “But in the meantime we have a war to win.”
“Let the professionals take care of it, Vic. You don’t have the authorities any more. That is our legal position.”
“Fine,” I sighed. “What else is on the menu this morning?”
“You have a conference call with Australia at noon. Mike Daisy.” He handed over a dossier on the pudgy pundit.
Mike Daisy. Photo courtesy Mike Daisy.
“Who the hell is that and why do I care?”
“He is reported to be one of the great story tellers of the era, and you thought you wanted to learn how to do it.”
“I remember, vaguely.” I furrowed my brown. “Hasn’t he been on a world tour talking about the conditions in Chinese manufacturing plants?”
“Yes. He accuses Apple’s Steve Jobs of fostering barbaric conditions to produce his slick technology.”
I looked at my sleek iPad on the conference table. “What is your point?”
The Boffin gathered up his papers and slid them into his briefcase. “The implication is clear. WalMart destroyed the American retailing sector, and imprisoned millions in sweat-shop labor in China. Steve Jobs has chosen to collude with a fascist country to strip away the labor conditions that so many thousands in this country fought and died for.”
“You want me to take on Sam Walton, Steve Jobs and the Chinese?”
“It will distract the people with the drones. That is just our legal opinion. Good luck. Call if you have questions.” The Boffin swept out of my office.
I looked at the iPad on the table and felt a little queasy. If you can’t trust Steve Jobs, who the hell can you put your confidence in? Lockheed-Martin? At least the AGM-114 is made here.
Lockheed-Martin AGM-114 Hellfire II. Photo LM.
Copyright 2011 Vic Socotra
www.vicsocotra.com