I whined a bit yesterday about the slow defeat inflicted on us all by the curse of entropy. There were valid reasons for my complaint, and I will not vent about the scandal that is parading one of our pals through the public spotlight. It is of a piece with the disastrous maintenance condition of the Fleet and its Air Arm, and I am not going to attempt to deal with that this morning. I am frustrated at the idea that we are apparently under surveillance by both a predatory government and a host of cyber predators eager to sully our good names and steal our cash.
As I mentioned, in the course of attempting to survive the nasty intestinal bug that was going around this season, I found that my addiction to steaming rich, freshly-brewed Dazbog coffee from whole beans. My Cajun Master Chief Bos’uns mate became alarmed, and he wrote me this:
“YOUR LOSS OF AFFINITY FOR COFFEE IS A SIGN OF A POSSIBLE SCARY MEDICAL CONDITION IN SAILORS. YOU DO REALIZE THAT ALL CAREER SAILORS OF ANY RANK , RATE, OR SERVICE AFFILIATION HAVE COFFEE-BORNE CAFFEINE AS A VITAL BLOOD COMPONENT.”
“I have noted of late that a sort of caffeine intolerance is spreading through the Navy, Coast Guard, Merchant Marine, and Marine Corps, even the retired communities. Some are dealing with it through the medium of “Fru Fru Coffee” a blend of the all too prevalent warm dishwater excuse for the contents of large coffee urns and excessive quantities of moo juice and sweeteners. Such adulterations are evil , vile, and not conducive to good sailorly health. Naturally, I checked with the Great Catfish. It appears he has been aware of the problem since January when he posted on it in typical catfish, no-holds-barred fashion. Below for the your edification and the edification of anyone you want to share with is the wisdom of the Great Catfish on Coffee:
THE GREAT NAMAZU ON NAVY COFFEE
PETITION VICTORY COFFEE TO MAKE A MESS BLEND AND GET “BETTY BEAN” TO DO A VIDEO ON MAKING REALLY GOOD COFFEE IN CARRIER MESS DECK QUANTITY
GREETINGS, ALL CAFFEINE SUCKING BIPEDS BUT ESPECIALLY YOU COMMISSARY MEN (OR WHATEVER THE NEW SYSTEM CALLS YOU NOW) AND MESS COOKS.
I’ve been living at or under the sea for 3,000 years and now I’m writing for an organization totally dominated by former boatswain’s mates. Johnas and the rest of the motley crew at American Admiralty Books suffer from a malady of the index finger common to US Navy and Coast Guard Boatswain’s mates or whatever they now call ’em in the new politically correct Navy. The malady is called “coffee cup finger”. The righteous, proper, and traditional boatswain’s mate is basically propelled by coffee which is nearly always in hand. Unfortunately coffee is most often produced in large crew messes by temporarily assigned non-rated men who unfortunately are often not “cook strikers” and take no real professional interest in what should be one of the most important support functions on ship, MASTER OF THE COFFEE POT, which in many cases is more like the coffee barrel, urns that can hold literally a gallon or more of the absolutely necessary black liquid that fuels the fleet’s crews. Crews have dealt with the warm brown dishwater like contents of the large mess coffee urn for generations. They either kill their taste buds or “flavor” the caffeine carrier fluid with cow juice. I believe it’s time to stop the adulteration processing of this most important maritime fluid!
Enter VICTORY COFFEE
Victory Coffee is owned and operated by former Navy SEAL Cade Courtley and employs US naval and military veterans. Really shouldn’t all you sailors and vets be supplying your home coffee mess with Victory coffee, not just because it supports vets but because it’s really good, a company of folks who understand the cosmic importance of a cup of Joe. How about all of you detached element members, and small unit or shore side office crews who have to pay for your own in work spaces coffee mess? ( The first time Johnas, after retirement, saw a self funded coffee mess, and realized that the Navy and Coast Guard no longer took institutional responsibility for support of the fleet coffee habit for those members at a distance from an official galley, he was certain the communists had taken over. Terrible as his reaction was, I do have to admit that it pales by the state of catatonia that the elimination of traditional rate titles had on him, he has been in a coma like state now for several weeks. We are hoping that the aroma of a hot cup of Leatherneck (VICTORY’s darkest roast) may bring him around.)
OK, let’s do something to really once and for all end bad coffee fleet wide.
(1) First all you mess cooks buck up, accept responsibility with pride for your turn having custody of the coffee pot or urn.
(2) Watch BETTY BEAN’s course called BEAN AND COFFEE 101.
(3) If you run a small work space coffee mess go to VICTORY COFFEE http://www.victorycoffees.com/our-story and order the good stuff.
(4)All hands contact Victory Owner Cade Courtley and ask him to have Betty Bean
(a) Do a tutorial on making mass quantities of Coffee properly.
(b) Experiment with blending small quantities of great coffee like the various Victory Blends and provide instructions to mess cooks ( would also work for restaurant personnel) on improving big institutional pots of coffee with small amounts of premium coffee that may or may not have to be obtained by “cum shaw” methods.
( c) Make a Victory Blend for quantity brewing such as on a carrier mess deck and try to get it into the Navy / Coast Guard/ Marine Corps purchase systems. ( Hint may be saleable to small Coast Guard units directly).
Let’s all active and veteran sailors get behind the movement to get the warm dishwater off the mess deck and put quality coffee out in even the biggest messes that can hardly be screwed up by even the most disinterested mess cook. Come on Commissary men or whatever you’re called by these days. Push to get a little aboard. Then let’s push Cade to get his ass back on Shark Tank and get some capital to get the good stuff onto our mess decks and into the commissary. My pal Johnas has had a lot of shocks to his basically naval sensibilities of late. The smell of gallons of Victory Coffee brewing might bring him out of his coma.
Let’s get cranking! I’m a three thousand year old giant catfish, retired demigod, I know stuff! Pick up on this and run with it you maritime bipeds! GOOD COFFEE IS OF COSMIC CONSEQUENCE! At least demand that this stuff get on the commissary shelves immediately.
Write Cade Courtley at:
Victory Coffees Coffee LLC
3005 S. Lamar Blvd
Ste D-109 #291
Austin, Texas, USA 78704
Tell him you at least want to see this stuff in the commissary right away.
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